Harry Potter and the EPIC TAKEDOWN...

Once upon a time, in a sleepy town known as Falmouth, there were a group of schoolboys who believed they reigned the land as far as the eye could see; Falmouth to Penryn, Tremough to Camborne, and in particular, the pre-pubescent little school children, were within the delusional state of believing that the virtual world of blogging, was too, within their domain. Oh how we’re about to prove them SERIOUSLY wrong….

These foolish little boys underestimated the power of their opponents, and were somewhat indiscreet with the secrets of their kingdom. Whilst these boys were spouting their 9 carat gold shanter, the superior gender were quietly strategizing their plan of attack…

Chief Cradle Snatcher, previously known as ‘Judas’ or ‘Chunder Clark’, has been spotted making late night rendezvous with a certain 18-year-old, dare we say, STALKER. This newcomer on our scene has continued to fulfil her quest to infiltrate and consummate Judas and his disciples, and even after being severely wounded in battle, on the field of Remedies, continues to attempt to fulfil her mission, and is still foaming and wide open for more of the Snatcher.

Meanwhile, despite attacks from the fresher camp, Judas retreated from this situation, and, in his completely predictable, traitor ways, has been wandering his way, with his tail between his legs, to the opposition headquarters. After being enticed by a certain welsh mistress, Judas has been spotted inviting the opposition over for ‘snuggles’… even in opposition camp, this went down somewhat sickeningly. This pathetic display is awkward for everyone, and his proposals for cuddles with ‘takeaway and tv’ are becoming a massive giveaway of the huge VAGINA hiding within his Hawaiian boxers.

It is with sadness that we proclaim that life is not much better for any of Judas’ disciples… Let us continue our tale of woe with the battle Fresherfield. This blood-stained war has raged all the way from the confines of the Stannary to the glass-strewn and carpeted floor of Club I. Casualties have been taken on either side, the most notable being ‘Bomber’ Harris. Despite his (futile) attempts, he has been unable to escape the razor-sharp claws of a certain ‘Snoopy’ fresher and has crossed over to the dark side.

This loss has been a blow to the entire clan – however, a new successor has been announced… the Peardophile. Despite only being a trainee under the watchful eye of Colonel ‘Ladaffi’ Harris, this trainee soldier has rebelled after a certain deniable and ‘eyes only’ cinema trip with his Captain and ‘Snoopy’ fresher. Tired of being in the shadows, Peardophile has boldly usurped his leader in an attempt to further his romantic career. After being spotted in a number of JW-esque shirts, Peardophile has been seen bed-hopping his way across Falmouth. Despite the apparent glamour of this mutiny, news has reached our ears that Peardophile, the inferior strategist, has been using a mixture of Jager and fringe-flicking to entice his prey into his lair.

Speaking of alcohol-related conquests, it would appear that Peardophile’s strategy is favoured by another member of the schoolyard gang, J.K Foyling. This bargain bin author has been spotted across the realm duelling ferociously. Although Jagermeister sales have benefited from his battle, there have been many casualties with Foyling being defeated by part-time girlfriend and full-time LAD, Laura Williams. This fair maiden has demonstrated the superiority of the female hockey team, by her ability to slay Foyling in many a boat race.

Unfortunately for these so-called ‘athletes’ not all of them have such tales of success… Robby Potter himself has been defeated in the battle for Cho Cheldon’s heart. This fair maiden has sensibly rejected the boy magician’s advances much to his dismay and consternation. This defeat has prompted a childish outburst in which Potter made the outrageous claim that Cheldon is in fact, a witch-muncher. This pathetic attempt at covering his utter lack of wizarding prowess has been duly noted at Headquarters and we would like to take this opportunity to respond to these outrageous claims. We understand that it is frustrating for Mr Potter that all of his romantic advances seem to be crashing down around him, however we suggest a strong dose of Amortentia or Felix Felicis in future rather than starting vicious and incorrect rumours about a superior wizard.

And so boys and girls, the story ends, the CSM men’s hockey team are put in their rightful place in the wizarding world, that is, the bottom of the heap; the squibs. The truly victorious will always rise, and will always have their will. Despite feeble attempts to be taken over and viciously slandered, glory remains to be ours…

Always watching, xoxo