RICHARD 'DICKFACE' FOY LENDS BODY ART

Word has recently been spread that a certain member of the 1st XI has lent his body to art; or more specifically to book bindings throughout the country. Clearly he's front page news as this new book, which no one seems to know what it is about, was spotted in a Waterstones in the Westcountry, sitting on display for everyone to bear witness to! So, will this avid hockey player/cover model return to uni with all his modesty intac.....oh wait...what modesty?! Ok, so, will this avid hockey player/cover model return to uni the same person he left before the winter break and before his new found fame, or will he use his powers for evil and prowl more than the Cougar on a Thursday night in Church?

Time will only tell....

Blog out

Some Sound Advice.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!! Sham Wedding in Foreign Township!!!

News has just been received that our very own Sneaky Prawn has been witnessed tying the knot in a township just outside Michael Cockerill's Family compound. She intended to spend the wedding night being beaten with her cornish beasts rock hammer, however, having been denied entry to The Cockerill estate; Ms. Fenwick or rather Mrs. Beasley as she is now known, spent the night sleeping rough and dreaming of where the duvet could be!

How long will this Honeymoon period last without arrest? Keep checking for updates.

Blog Out.

Player Profile: James "Sparky" Watts

James "Sparky" Watts joined Camborne School of Mines hockey club in September 2007, and has ever since been a (literally) pivotal player. James' nickname came early on out of necessity, with two James's playing in central midfield that season. A combined effort from "Foundation" Dave Lafferty and "Ginger" Phil Hingston drew a natural conclusion, and "Sparky" has been igniting our play ever since.

Without Sparky (God forbid) to hold us together in times of hardship, we probably wouldn't be in the league we are today. This is not to say that our dear Sparky has had an incident-free existence in our club, though!

To elabourate chronologically, Sparky introduced us to his pent-up wild-side when he demonstrated his elegant capoeira skills in a mighty fetching 'Frosty the Snowman' thong on the roof of the minibus post 'welcome drinks' in full view of his visiting sister. Perhaps they'd rehearsed the routine beforehand...? (I'm sure there must be a picture of that somewhere...) And always one for a dance-off, the Remedies dance floor has been blessed with many original 'moves from this man in the past. Indeed, with the help of the CU, Sparky has been a life-saver on many occasions post-Remedies, handing out bottles of water to abusive drunkards, or even cooking them pancakes for free the following morning. Perhaps we could have some more of that??

His keenness for, well, everything (apart from bad language) led to Sparky being a well-respected fitness guru for the team (that's good Roughy) with many of his stretching techniques baring an uncanny resemblance to a certain Australian aerobics program, but who can complain when we're bringing in the good, and throwing out the bad..? Our captain for a year, this man led us through 'the double', winning both Bottle Match (easily, I might add), and the league, giving us the most successful season to date. Perhaps he was making amends for his performance in the Bottle Match the previous year, but I'm sure we don't have to bring that one up again..! A tough, but fruitful, season saw Sparky learn a great deal in attempting to crack down on our unruliness, but perhaps there is something that he'll never learn - how to sub oneself off...

Sparky has pulled out from his bag of tricks on more than one occasion a surprisingly impressive pint-bolt, when he hasn't been out "just for one guys, just for one...". However, he did keep bringing with him smaller and smaller towels for post-match showers. In the days before Gaymie, Sparky found it nigh-on-impossible to shed his 'gay of the day' title, eventually earning himself a pink flannel to cement his position, which he has used gaily every since.

In the days before 'safety', Sparky would censor our Mom, Dod, God, Champ, Qod votes, but on an odd occasion we managed to get him to say something naughty. I even heard him swear once in a team talk... at Roughy, I think...

Sparky's squeaky cleanness has led to this being a difficult profile to write in jest. But one thing's for certain, with God's holy light shining on us whenever we play with this man in our side, he'll be sorely missed when he moves on to greater pastures!

COUGAR WATCH UPDATE

Orangutan mauled by Cougar last night....

Park rangers are not optimistic for the Orangutans chances of survivial

Player Profile: Will 'Zog' Herzog

William Herzog was the first of three English and Creative Writing students to join the 1^st team and share the same name. However Herzog is the true original and has come to define the casual, air head who can still play a reasonable game of hockey whilst looking like they have spent the Friday night indulging in naughty salt and copious amounts of alcohol, followed by picking your girlfriend up with one arm and tossing her around the room while balancing her on your ‘Hockey Stick’.

Will first appeared at training looking like what can only be described as a twigglett with hair, not much has changed since. He assured everyone that he could play this fine sport and indeed we had been warned of his prowess with long hard sticks and balls. He had competition for imitation accent, in a normal year he would have walked away with the crown however he was pipped to the post by the SAFA. Scouce just isn’t as novel as it once was, especially not when there is also Cornish! Who remembers the immortal words of James Banyard: “I’m gonna smash err Paaasty!”???

Anyway back to William known more commonly by his hard to decipher nicknames ‘Zog’ and ‘Zoggy’. It turned out that Will was what he professed and could dance his twinkle toes through the many backdoors in defences with an heir of Anton Du Beck on strictly come dancing. However unlike Du Beck, Will’s chiselled features are more akin to those of Thomas The Tank Engine than a Shovel.

Naturally a superstar like this was quickly snapped up by a fine young lady from foreign shores, we don’t mean Scotland either! As a result Will, unlike most of the crop of 2008/2009, didn’t develop a taste for hockey girls and instead settled into a full on relationship, which has been quoted as being at times; “As volatile as nitro glycerine!” Still, who threw who down the stairs remains to be answered, but looking at him I would have to suggest Will ‘fell down’ and the Rose did not come following after but rather a bottle rosé instead.

Ever fashion conscious Will is like a walking Topman catalogue. Each week sporting new fashions straight from the mannequin, no new tie though - IN 3 YEARS!!! He was so committed to the CSM hockey cause that he saw no need to pass his first year. He is now delighted to be staying for an extra season to take his crown as CSM Hockey GOD (When the other four of the fantastic five have graduated of course).

It has been suggested that Will has been taking a slightly disturbing interest in the Gaymie bashing craze that has struck CSM hockey in recent times. This could, as the illustration above suggests, reveal Zog’s true calling as a transvestite party boy with a face for Babestation. Still his obvious devotion to his teammates is a quality that we have to admire and respect.

In recent times Will has become a bachelor once more and has developed a certain penchant for foundation students, indeed he sees the need to bring a new one to the meet at Argos every week. Does he enjoy the attention? On recent figures a new chisel for his bedpost might be a worthy Christmas investment for young Willy. Still how much longer can he get away with it for? So in the words of the Fonze “EHEE!!!”

Herzog is also the team’s professional alcohol specialist being the only one with a job at the Stannery, though nowadays also being the only one who frequents it. He has watered us on many occasions, but I think he must have failed his maths GCSE owing to his idea of standard measures. Still I can’t complain. I feel that no real sober and honest thanks has ever been offered for these efforts so this is it – Fwank Woo Wiwiam.

Zog has become a much loved and treasured member of the squad who is sometimes wrongly understated, he can however be sure that we will all miss him when we fuck off to the real world and leave him with new foundation students to prey on.

OUT.

P.S.

Oh yeah he almost got away with this: William FAILED miserably to make it out at the London Bottle Match and was last witnessed by Tegan herself passed out in his room. Still he and a certain James Rough were more than happy to Teabag a certain Gunn Ho member of the girls team when the party returned later that evening. The photo is still missing…

REALLY OUT.

Player Profile - Richard 'Dickface' Foy

Richard Foy appeared to creep rather silently into the club’s 1^st XI as a quiet lad who looked like he had joined accidentally and decided to make the best of the situation. Luckily for us he settled with hockey and blossomed a little more with every game he played. Despite getting into a terrible half season long habit of passing directly to the oppositions centre forwards, regularly winning himself the fitting ‘dick(y) of the day’ award, he persevered and gradually became the top defender he can claim to be today.

It didn’t take long for Richard to become one of CSM’s favourite team mates on and off the pitch; his bright attitude and sharp wit earning himself a place in everyone’s hearts. Richard’s attitude to life can be summed up almost perfectly in one special picture which depicts him swan diving in the nude in front of hundreds of people – a jovial character with seemingly no sense of humility Richard truly is a valuable asset to the CSM hockey club.

Richard’s passion for hockey is currently matched only by his obsession for himself - he is often seen sweating it out in the gym sculpting his beach ready body in the mirror and is fully prepared to take pictures of himself at any time. Come shower time when Richard ‘The Body’ Foy undresses one is often able to find Jamie Clark salivating in the corner, doing all he can with his towel to cover his lust. However, despite the male attention, Richard has also grown accustomed to interest from the girls of Falmouth and is often seen returning home with a scantily clad lovely in his arms. Often these girls become casual flings, of course, that is, until Richard’s ego destroys it and he gets bored (HB). After he ups and leaves to find another fresh piece of meat, leaving his previous conquest in tatters and in one particular case with a strong dislike for hockey boys, Richard can often be found prowling the dance floors of Remedies and Club I looking like he belongs in an episode of Jersey Shore.

On his travels through the Land of Poon Richard crossed paths with many a beast but none matched up to the sexual prowess of The Cougar. Unabashed by this encounter Richard decided to try taming The Cougar by having yet another fling – needless to say the claw marks never went unnoticed in the hockey changing rooms. Eventually this fling appeared to fizzle out so it can only be assumed that the man mountain had failed in his taming attempt – and so he moved onwards to safer ground and can now be found with a luscious blonde fresher who will no doubt be willing to take countless topless photographs of him.

Despite his vanity and lust for himself Richard has always been a loyal, team player for CSM. Although if he had it his way the whole team would be comprised of his clones, probably topless, we can all be thankful that there is at least one Richard Foy to hold the defensive line.

Player Profile: Michael 'SAFA' Cockeril

CSM, being the celebrated worldwide school they are, have become accustomed to international students, so naturally when a quiet South African touched down in Falmouth there was very little batting of eyelids. Little did we know, however, that this was one addition to the hockey team that would signal the rise of the squad through the leagues...

After a blistering first season we witnessed this skilful miner walking through whole defences with what can only be described as a nonchalant manner only to put away goal after goal, relentlessly hitting the backboard with alarming regularity. At the end of his first season the title of Captain was handed over by James Watts who had been reported to whisper in his ear “A king's time as ruler rises and falls like the sun. One day, Simba, the sun will set on my time here, and will rise with you as the new king”. Upon which the newly christened Simba went on to lead the team through its most successful season yet – and almost gaining promotion again as a result.

Not only has Michael been a whirlwind of success on the hockey pitch, scoring countless numbers of goals and always striving to gain a win for the team, but has also been causing quite a bluster on the Falmouth social scene. Always popular with the ladies due to his husky South African tones and tall figure he has leapt cat like from prey to prey, unceremoniously having his way with whatever he can sink his claws into. Following Michael is a permanent shroud of scandal, full with ecstatic girls who seem to moisten just being in his presence – perhaps it is his uncanny ability to never miss(until recently) that causes all the excitement. This reputation was enjoyed for quite some time until disaster struck when Michael left one unlucky girl literally hanging. The golden boy had fallen – although, when asked, the girl claimed he had never risen. Red faced and blue balled Michael turned up to the weekends hockey match and memorably, some would say ironically, winning dick of the day for his lacklustre bedroom performance.

Determined to win back the title of Falmouth’s most eligible bachelor Michael embarked on a personal pussy crusade. Gritting his teeth and pushing forward, it wasn’t long before he found himself in the clutches of one Lauren Saggers but more interestingly and distressingly also Thomas Drake. Had his previous disaster had such a detrimental effect on poor Michael that he was willing to share girls? It seems so as earlier this season Michael wrestled a beautiful maiden by the name of Sophie from none other than fellow team mate Richard Foy. I wouldn’t consider myself at liberty to comment on this underhand act but I will speculate that it must stem from the insecurity Michael is sure to be feeling from his failed mating act with the previously mentioned girl.

Despite all of his ups and one most memorable down Michael has overall been nothing other than a perfect ambassador for South Africans. A true gentleman and delight to play with on the pitch he is one cat we will be sorry to release back into the wild.

Player Profile - William Spain

The Spanish Armada set sail for CSM Hockey early in his first year after presenting himself in a delightful South Tracksuit and with rumors of representing his country, much to the approval of current players

On debut, Spain did not fail to disappoint, dazzling players with both skill and speed. But it was off the pitch that he truly impressed ,namely the showers, here he revealed to us all he was a big deal. This was greatly approved by Gaymie, who finally spied a big white fillet of cod worth battering.

Spain was a tremendous player both on and of the pitch, but sadly unable to adhere to the rule of 'don't shit where you eat'.... school boy error, meant he had some rather intimate experiences with his flat mates, oh well at least the walk of shame was short. Targeted early on, his lack of knowledge of rules such as 'Tell her' led him into the firing line Tegan.. all it took was one swift comment about her 'Tuna Canoe' and he was in there, sealing the deal on Halloween.

His grasp of time is one that has troubled many a captain! His penchant for alcohol and other mind altering substances, along with his inability to stay in, often lead to regular games of 'Wheres Willy' on a Saturday morning. A game enjoyed by all. Amazingly however this never seems to affect his performance on the pitch. One can dream of what a sober Will Spain must be like at hockey.

But it wasn't long before he found love, he didn't have to look far as she too was a hockey player. Their relationship has blossomed and the two of them are rarely found apart, despite Samantha Page's influence his time keeping is yet to improve. Might I suggest a watch or a mahoosive alarm clock as a suitable Christmas present!

None the less, a player loved by all, whose charm and character have been welcomed by the hockey team who hope he continues to be the source of much amusement.

Player Profile: Fraser 'The Dog' McQueen

Fraser McQueen joined CSM hockey with limited experience of the game of hockey, but he did have more enthusiasm than Tegan when she saw the new crop of 1^st team meat. Indeed his early exploits tended to employ the rules one might find on a rugby pitch as opposed to a hockey pitch. Nevertheless Fraser has developed his skills into becoming the fiercest, and maybe stupidest, tackler in the clubs history. He has been hit in the head or knee more times than Michael Cockerill has flown First Class.

When Fraser arrived he brought with him a lovely young lady with whom we all had affection and while the demise of this relationship has been well documented I see no need to pile anything on here. Recent performances have more than balanced the status quo so to speak, with a list of conquests that would make us all ‘CHUNDER EVERYWHERE’ – Wait a second............

Fraser did develop the rather bad habit of leaving nights out early, which earned him the nickname ‘Pre-Queen McQueen’, something which he denies but we can all vouch for and one that has stuck since! He was indeed one of the smartest in his first year on that course he does digging stuff up. However we see this as no excuse not to attend Church on a Thursday. Thankfully recent attendance has been up on previous years and we hope that the recession of Frasers working hours continues as his company is always welcomed and greatly enjoyed. Indeed since becoming single I would have to say that he has made a sensational effort to catch up on other 1^st team members’ second hand pune. Good job Fraser just remember to go get checked!

Never the one to be shy Fraser has several rather grotesque habits, including; displaying his ‘Black Booty’ when in the showers after games, along with talking about how his likes to make girls happy by licking their arse holes. Still, if it was the tidiest genitalia you have ever seen….

Fraser has recently begun wearing a turbanesque bandana during matches; I speculate that this may be something to show the close bond between defender and Goalkeeper? His comical appearance will be little consolation however when you are looking at it from the small of your back when he has found you wanting.

Ever the team player, I find it hard to remember a match without Fraser’s presence. He has evolved from trainee to master of the CSM defence, indeed I think that even Flacid Mike comes second to the amount of nights Fraser has earned the right to drink Meg’s sweet nectar.

Fraser took the role of club president this season, not that he has mentioned it to a soul. Quite what this positions means I (and he) are still trying to work out as Tom Drake and Ant Bennett never seemed to do much but moan all day. Silence seems golden.

Girls, if you discover this Dog on your travels, approach with care and be prepared to get destroyed! P.S. Remember to maintain your lady garden.

Fraser will be an irreplaceable member of the club and I just want to thank him for his services to hockey and to BANTER!!!

Player Profile - Jamie Clark

Whether it was the idea of running freely among 21 other men and being able to get physical without fear of rebuke that enticed Jamie to hockey or that perhaps he has a genuine lust for a good match of stickball is a grey area. It is possible that Jamie saw the potential for transferable skills from the pitch to bedroom, certainly we could read into the regular calls of "two on one's", "get it on target" and many others. Most likely is the idea of team showers after every game that really butters his muffin but for whatever reason it may be we are certainly blessed that he steps out weekly in the CSM colours by our sides.

Harking back to when I first met Jamie I always knew he would be a valuable addition to the team – his obvious eagerness for hockey was one to rival his penchant for same sex relationships – thus etching out his steadfast place in the squad from the word go. In my own humble opinion I might regard Jamie as being a bedrock of the team, a firm foundation that we can all rely on weekly to turn up to training and matches come rain or shine. That was until, of course, he caught aids. A massive blow to his career which meant Jamie was out of action, much to the consternation of the hockey squad and also his short term navy boyfriend, George. The squad really felt the squeeze as we had to fill the gap left in midfield by his absence – but our dismay was nothing compared to the effect this had on Jamie’s and George’s blossoming relationship. Left single and weak Jamie had to re-cooperate back in Oxford where he was marinated with enough apparel from the Jack Wills’ catalogue to clothe a small school of children until he decided that you probably couldn’t catch aids from the poles in Mango Tango’s and made his triumphant return to CSM hockey. Since doing so Jamie has been on top form week in week out – a much celebrated member of the CSM hockey squad and all round good sport.

If you are yet to have the pleasure of meeting this young man you need only to frequent Mango Tango's whereupon you will see Jamie, or 'Gaymie' as he prefers to be known in there, throwing some wild shapes at the bar in his infamous assless chaps. It is only a fair warning to girls to let you know that although Jamie occasionally becomes involved with females he never gets any pleasure from the sex. Don't let him flip you over.

In short it would be fair to say Jamie’s hockey career for CSM can be mapped in much the same way as his university sexual encounters; full of men and always scoring.

This is How The 1st Team do Stick Ball.

From the Archives.

Bring back any memories anyone?

Our favourite, party hosting, vagabond miner, as seen in the picture above, is demonstrating the latest technologies developed to remove ones self from 'the cave'. This cave's core is situated in Paris, but networks globally. Lured in by the magic of Carling, and the promise of no strings attached, we see this brave miner putting his will to the test by hoisting himself up out of this treacherous cavern, being careful to avoid any creatures of the dark trying to drag him back down. This photo was taken at 2.03am on the 5/12/10 by the Genie who owns the cave, we are unsure of progress made since however. We can only hope and pray. God be with you, thou art a true explorer.

just when we thought Emperor Giggle was finished he reared his ugly head!

The wonderful adventures of Emperor giggle! Bottle of white wine + 10 tequilas + an intolerant social sec=this magical piece of film. Enjoy! x