Breaking News: Bed Rocked in Cash for Gash Scandal

In a post Club I scandal it emerged last night that Pamela Anderson once again united the Holy Trinity. Dwarf(Fred) and Diddy Kong(Barney) were seen leaving with the star at 2.30am Friday last, one by stander commented that Pamela's breasts looked as juicy as the 'giant peach' that is Diddy Kong's arse.

Pamela is thought to have agreed a fixed price of £200, anytime anywhere price deal(this offer is available until graduation 2011). The pair, Dwarf and Kong produced the cash as hastily as Anna Boyle confronted by two cocks and a shotgun.

They all raced back to the cave, the trio found that Luigi was already engaged, the six minute wonder was busy shooting green shells as he had already blown his big bomb. Dwarf and Kong teamed up and firmly placed Pamela back above the fire whilst using her back as a card table, in this case, to play the game cheat.

With all the violence of this rumble in the jungle, the 'Cash for Gash' scandal got serious. Inspired by Tony Hawk, the pair went for a triple boob grab, nose grind spine transfer. The bed, like pummeled Pamela, was completely screwed. With a bang, a yelp and an orgasm the bed split cleanly in two, Pamela was sucked into the new and third gaping whole that had appeared in the floor. She has not been seen since and was definitely not driven home at 5am by the utterley gazeboed Dwarf. Meanwhile, Princess Peach reported that Luigi was wondering round the cave naked for hours.

The END

Quote of the Day

'I don't need a quickie shag to feel good about myself!'

Laughed Calum with a smug look on his face after sleeping with a local.

Nobody had told Calum that he actually needed a chlamydia test.

'I remember her crying, it must have been a f***ing brilliant joke!'

Smiled Calum, the happiest he'd ever been.

Quote of the Day

On scoring a top corner goal against a team of Dwarfs,

"That goal was about as rare as all the planets aligning,

about as rare as black people in Cornwall,

about as beautiful as jessica alba combined with my bedroom!"

Jono

A message from George

Dawkins relationship advice after 2 pints

"I like it casual!"

and

"I like Tony Hawks more than i like my Girlfriend"

and

"The Grass is always greener"

and

"I'm an arsehole pretending to be a nice guy"

Young Mr Clark

Jamie: [Regarding the visit of his little brother] 'Dude, bring some more alcohol, we need to f**k him up!'
...an hour later...
Jamie: 'Guys... what the f**k have you done?!' [As Young Clark chunders at the sight of a Jelly Baby]

A quote from memory...

Anon: 'Have you seen our new waterproof tops?'
Jamie's Dad: 'Oh, yeah. I was shown one earlier... by...'
Anon: 'By who?'
JD: 'You know... erm... the guy... the guy with the ... the guy with the face. You know what I mean?'

Player Profile: Dave 'Dangerous' Pearson

Dave arrived on CSM seen a young whippet fresh from many seasons at Ross-on-Wye Hockey Club. A few weeks into his debut season Dave acquired the nickname 'Dangerous' as a result of some threatening but fruitless running down the 2nd XI left flank.

This was a lucky break for Dangerous as other names were banded about. Many centred on his recent break up with his girlfriend, his sister's mother's, uncle's daughter, as is the way in Monmouthshire.

Jonny Miln's 21st weekend saw the making of Dangerous as 2nd team bitch. It was here that occured the infamous spatual incident, as he entered the ring of the heavy weight CSMers, Mattie and Dom. The other highlight of Dave's first season was a highly flukey goal vs Dart B. As he was marked by what can only be termed as a primitive ape, less the Dawkins back hair, he ran half the pitch before fumbling the ball over the line! This wasn't the only time that Dave had his balls fumbled on this particular weekend in Exeter.

As is tradition with CSM 2nd XI, when one highly disorganised captain with a queer ronaldo baslayer leaves the club, the next most disorganised player with a queer Nadal bandana is chosen to fill his astros. At this point Dangerous teamed up with Dwarf to make a Journalists dream, a bountiful DD pairing. As the 2009-10 season approached the two aimed for the jugular, winning the league. However, a series of mishaps and bad umpiring has brought these aspiratons tumbling down to a point where the team were thrown out of the league and only exist in Jono's confuddled mind.

Meanwhile, Dave some how found a new gf. This was highly surprising as he has gained the reputation of not being able to organise a piss up in a Brewery. However it is well known that it is easier to score in the Blue House. The lacklustre lady is known as Emma, and has frequently achieved Man of the Match awards alongside hairy dog's cocks. Emma is the teams number one fan and is the new Head Chief Wag of the 2nd XI.

Breaking News: Dwarf KO's Leopard in Festival Start

Sunday witnessed the inaugural Mens 3rd XI Vs Ladies 1st XI post initiation ploughing match. What turned out to be an agricultural hockey fixture was commenced by the world renowned festival start.

On the Men's team stood a bog standard run of the mill Dwarf, on the ladies, Leopard, who bore resemblance to King from the gladiatorial Tekken series. On the sound of the Pamela 'two cocks' Anderson hooter by Gayme son of Gimli, son of Gloin, the two charged with aggression and determination that would later be emulated by the rogue Ijanu. Leopard opted against the traditionally strong high spin kick, and decided to drop the proverbial shoulder. Dwarf went high, well, as high as was dwarfly possible. As suspected Dwarf Doezered straight over Leopard leaving her head spinning like a hippie at Glastonbury.

In a later interview, the recovering Leopard explained that she was surprised that Dwarf's move was allowed under Section 3 Rule 10 of the CSM Hockey Hand Book. 'He got a lot bigger very quickly, just like the mountains in southern Spain'. Furthermore Leopard added, 'I assumed that he would be another easy Weiner!'

Story Time: Jono's Special Day

Once upon a time in a land far far away, so far perhaps it does not exist, Jono went to Plymouth to play stick ball against 14 year old Umpa Lumpas. On this particular day Ollie, for some unkown reason, felt quite content and homely at this venue.

In Jono's dreamy fabricated world of make-believe his team started very well despite the fact that everyone's names were strewn across the pitch in yellow writing much to the disappointment of their empty wallets. So 3-1 at half time, the miracle had already happened, in a blasphemous and un-God like situation Jono had conceived to score a goal....yes...a goal! The 2nd XI players, unaware that they were in Jono's fantasy congratulated him heartily.

Then, it happened. Out of the blue, Zeus appeared from the sky, time stood still and Jono was stood at the top of the D with a stick, a ball, an acre of space, and a light year of time before him. Much like a triangle punch on the much fabled Hercules PSone game, Jono wound up his stick, soon he was indistinguishable from a Navy Helicopter, as he ascended towards Zeus, the two chatted for, lets say, 42 days, about life, the universe and everything. Sometime later Jono hit the ball, in the tiny gap between the Umpa Lumpas head, near the top of the back board, and the post in the mistakenly used football goal. At this, the Zeus caused the whole pitch to get a bit 'stormy', until a yellow card was given out later.

Jono then, often seen as the BFG of the team turned into a real bully and stole Ollie's awsome tight angled goal on his homecoming to the land of run of the mill dwarfs. That evening Jono awoke and went to initiation trying to tell everyone that he had scored a thunderous hat-trick. Everyone soon told him that they had a similar nightmare the night before and assured him that it was not real.

The END

The Truth

Quote of the Day

"How do you reckon Ant would be in bed?"

"Dunno " said Dave

"Well i imagine sex with Ant to be slow and labourious" stated Ollie

Story Time: Maverick and Goose

Once upon a time Maverick and Goose went to Truro for a birthday party. They had a merry time dancing the night away in cougar land with their friends, despite the hostile local Truronians.

Unfortunately the pair were stranded in Truro with no way of getting home very very late at night, just after their bed time. Luckily Goose managed to clunge some money for a Taxi that cost £60. They shared the taxi with a lovely and enthusiastic young lady, called, lets say, Pamela Anderson.

Pamela decided to invite Maverick and Goose back to her house in Penryn where there is always room for three in a bed. Maverick really liked Pamela and began to Gnaw her face whilst playing with her 'Saggy' chest. Not wanting to miss out, Goose decided against hitting the ejector seat button, instead, at break-neck speed he got the party started downstairs. The pair then made sure that Pamela was kept nice and warm roasting above the fire until sunrise. When Goose shouted 'four' they swapped places.

The next day Maverick and Goose woke up, realised it was real and laughed. Meanwhile Rory farted on Jono's head, as they shared a bed, making him chunder.

The END